My period is... gone?!?

I have been bleeding lightly and darkly for about two weeks when my period was supposed to come. But instead of having any ‘real’ period this month, the light bleeding just continued for two days and then disappeared all together! It was really incredibly that this month my period has been reduced down to almost nothing.

Even though there was little chance that I would be pregnant, I bought a pregnancy kit and tested myself anyway, because if I’d presented myself to a Western doctor and told him that I didn’t have my period this month, he would tell me to test myself for pregnancy. I wasn’t pregnant, as I suspected, which leaves the explanation of the White Tigress exercises I’ve been doing, some which are intended to reduce your menstrual flow.

It is absolutely incredible that in such a short period of time that the exercises may have had the effect that they have on my body. The exercises are meant to restore your body back to it’s adolescent state, when you first started getting your period. The other strange thing that happened was when I was at the temple for Chinese New Year, I was suddenly overcome with the need to vomit and have diarrhoea and pass out all at the same time. My lover and family thought that it was food poisoning, but when I was keeled over in the toilet I remembered that I had had this exact feeling before, when I was younger and first started menstruating and my periods used to hit me like a tonne of bricks, giving my nausea and diarrhoea and making me faint all at the same time.

Now, I know that may be a long string to draw, but sitting there, the feeling did feel familiar, and the familiarity was from that moment in my life. Nonetheless, regardless of whether that episode was related to my Tigress exercises or not, my period this month has been more or less non-existence which is in itself pretty amazing. I’m looking forward to my period next month to see it continues to be this way.

On a sadder note, HL still hasn’t responded to me. I hope he responds soon. I check my email hourly while I’m awake and feel so so sad that he hasn’t responded to me. I hope he hasn’t changed his mind. I don’t know what else I would do with my life if I wasn’t able to pursue this path.

The Only Path

I emailed HL a few days ago asking him if he will be happy to start teaching me via Skype in February. He hasn’t written back yet and I’m very anxious to get his reply. I keep checking my email over and over for his response and it hasn’t come yet! I really hope he hasn’t changed his mind. I will be so devastated if he does. I think I would just curl up and cry for days.

In the meantime I’ve been googling White Tigress and reading what other women have been putting up. Of course, not knowing the practice well myself it’s hard to judge, but some of the things out there seem very, very wrong! Like one website in which a woman is advocating for the use of the term White Tigress to replace the word cougar, and another website put up by a woman who practises BDSM and the White Tigress practices together and is allowing men to apply to be her ‘slave’.

In my reading of the sexual teachings of the White Tigress, this seems to go completely against my understanding of the practice which teaches women submission and recreating adolescent like sexual behaviour of playfulness, innocence and wonderment. To me, the White Tigress is not a dark seductress but a sweet , youthful and playful girl. Since the beginning, it’s also always seemed odd to me that a White Tigress would go and advertise her wares online, when the book stresses secrecy and the White Tigress desire for anonymity.

Anyway, I hope HL writes back to me very, very soon.

I don’t know what else I would do with my life if I didn’t have the opportunity to pursue the teachings of the White Tigress. The rest of life seems so futile now. I feel I’ve lost much motivation to pursue anything else in life – my studies, my work, my past times, the day to day maintenance of life, even my social life and spending time with my friends feels less fulfilling. All I seem to want to do now is pursue this path and leave the rest of the world I know behind. So, I hope he responds soon so I can start my journey.

Qi gong and feeling alone

My boyfriend taught me a qi gong exercise today. It consists of breathing into your belly and concentrated on your tan tien.

I was speaking to him about the ability to feel qi and to be able to know when I have absorbed the dragon’s breath. He suggested with starting with this very basic qi gong exercise.

I’ve been practising it every day. One time, I went into a deep meditative state first before I practice. During that practice, I felt like a pinch in my tan tien region which, after a period of concentrating on that sensation, seemed to turn into a feeling like there was a stone sitting there. I’m not sure what this is and need to speak to him about it. My boyfriend had described the feeling of feeling qi to be like a ‘ball’.

After my frustrations seeing my friend the other night, I really wanted to speak to my boyfriend about it but he didn’t answer his phone.

It was very frustrating and I felt very alone. I feel alone as I feel like I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this exciting new path I’m on accept my boyfriend. I don’t think it’s very healthy that he’s the only one I can talk to about this because when he’s not there for me I feel very isolated.

Frustration!! The 'perversions' of the White Tigress

I saw my friend again today. We talked more about the White Tigress practice and she seemed to have had some time to think about it. She asked me a lot of questions, like would I need to have sex with the teacher? If I went somewhere for teaching, would there be a quota on the number of men I’d have to have sex with, like a hundred a year? Do women have to have sex with men they don’t want to?

Her questions made me feel quite offended, like she was implying the practice was akin to sexual slavery or the sexual exploitation of women (which is a topic that I have dedicated my academic, personal and professional life to eradicating).

I felt like she was imposing a Western, Victorian and patriarchal understanding of sexuality onto a practice that developed in a completely different socio-historical era. This was understandable, as the only framework we have had for understanding sexuality is that of a Western/Victorian/patriarchal society. However, imposing our current understanding of sexuality onto the practices of the White Tigress made the who practice seem perverse and exploitative. The limitations of a Western/Victorian/patriarchal understanding of sexuality was that ‘good sex’ was only able to exist in loving relationships and that sexuality used outside this context was somehow perverse or exploitative. The notion of sacred sexuality or sexuality used in the pursuit of spirituality is incomprehensible within our current understanding of sexuality.

She also reminded me of our shared feminist awakening, reading about women and sexuality, loving sexuality, non-heterosexual sexuality, the sexuality of equals, which leads to loving, women-centred sex. She questioned how my new found interest in the practices of the White Tigress could be reconciled with my feminist understanding of sexuality. I also found this a bit offensive as, firstly, I didn’t need to be reminded of a feminist analysis of sexuality as it is the basis of my PhD thesis and constitutes much of my existence, and secondly, as I saw the practices of the White Tigress as not anti-feminist.

In a previous post I have already discussed the issue of feminism and the White Tigress. I feel like under a capitalist and patriarch society, sexuality has been perverted and disembodied, especially through practices such as pornography, prostitution and stripping. I feel the practices of the White Tigress as a way of re-conceptualising women’s sexuality, a way of being able to see women’s sexuality ‘anew’ in a way that is beyond the limitations of the Western/Victorian/patriarchal conceptualisation of sexuality which is heaped in judgement and guilt. The example of seeing a White Tigress who seeks the sexual essence and energy of a thousand men as a ‘whore’ is exactly the Victorian understanding of sex that the White Tigress transcends. In addition, to use sexuality as a way to experience spirituality and to achieve youthfulness, vitality and longevity also transcends our limited current understandings of sexuality.

But it is frustrating, although understandable, that our current conditioning to view sexuality in a particular ways is so strong that the practices of the White Tigress can only be seen as perverted. I think I was also frustrated because I am yet to fully understand the practice and I was able to articulate my position very well.

I have decided to not talk to any other friends about the practice, as I think I will find it too frustrating and will encounter these misunderstandings of the practices over and over. It is sad that I feel like I shouldn’t communicate my new found path to others because of how crudely misunderstood the practice will be.

He responded!

HL responded to me today! I’m so excited! In his email, he wrote that from the information I gave him that I may be suited for the practice and gave me some options for moving forward. He also asked for my birth details to check me BaZi chart for my suitability for the practice… scary!

My boyfriend has also ordered for me the Green Dragon book and DVDs showing the exercises, so I’m also looking forward to receiving them. He commented the other day that my nipples are more prominent or ‘bullet’ like, which is not great! Two of the breast massage exercises I'm doing are actually for making the nipples more prominent, so maybe I shouldn’t do those anymore? I don’t want overbearing nipples.

My boyfriend is continuing to not ejaculate and is circulating his own chi during our intercourse. I hope his only drawing up his own chi and not sucking out mine. His non-ejaculation makes it hard for me to practice on him but I guess I can live with that for a while. He also gave me a book about dual sexual cultivation for women and how the practice is good for both partners. It will be interesting to read as the White Tigress practice is not a strong advocate of sexual intercourse for women, instead focusing on the benefits of fellatio for women. I have started reading the book and it is interesting, but does take me like the White Tigress teachings did.

I can’t wait to keep corresponding with HL and seeing what comes of it!

Waiting for Hsi Lai!

I received a response today from taotraditions.com. The person at Tao Traditions said that he has forwarded my email onto HL. I’m so excited! I can’t believe that my email has been forwarded to HL himself! I’m really looking forward to getting a response.

Today my boyfriend also help me with one of the breast exercises that requires another person. Doing the exercise with him felt just amazing. My boyfriend also commented that my breasts seem firmer and a bit bigger since doing the exercises, which is great. He also commented that I taste different now since starting the exercises, which is interesting.

I keep checking my email every few hours to see if HL has responded. I hope he does!

Making Contact

Today I tried to find the contact details for HL, the author of The Sexual Teachings of the White Tigress.

My search was absolutely futile. Despite the book claiming that HL lectures throughout the world on Taoism, I wasn't able to locate his contact details anyway. In fact, I wasn't able to get almost any extra information on him at all.

Instead I've contacted the White Tigress Society, introducing myself and enquiring about whether they are able to put me in contact with any teachers or anyone else who may be able to help me. I hope the response will be positive. I feel much need for some guidance and feel that even though the book has been enlightening and that there is much more that I can teach myself, I desire to have someone who understands the practice to talk to.

(p.s. if you do know how to contact HL or anyone else who may have knowledge about the practice, please let me know!)

A strange new path

Today I told one of my closest friends about my new practice. She is the most accepting and open-minded friend I have, and definitely the person who I wanted to talk to about this first. I felt like I spoke so much! Like all the words just tumbled out of my mouth because I was so excited and I didn’t know where to start and where to stop. It was really hard to explain, the philosophy and the physical practises. The particularly hard bits were the bits that at first glance sat in contradiction with feminist values on sex and sexuality, as she too is a feminist like I am. She asked many questions that were expected, like what if the teachings of the White Tigress was written by a man who just wanted women to give him head jobs, and how can it be pleasurable for the woman to just be giving the man head jobs and not having intercouse, and wasn’t it mean to suck the life force out of men? I guess, in particular, not having an understanding of Taoist philosophy made it particularly hard to understand the significance of many of the practices. But, all in all, I think she was quite receptive and interested in the practice and even asked for a copy of the book so she could read it. I did at times, though, feel like the way she was speaking about the practice was a little bit off. But I never expected her (or anyone) to take to the practice as I have. I can completely understand that the practices would seem alien and strange and even off putting to most women, and that my drawing to it is something quite unique to me. Reading about the teachings of the White Tigress resonated so much with me because I feel like they already reflect my natural sexual inclinations, so much so that my boyfriend believes that I was a White Tigress in my past life. I think my being drawn to the practice is based upon this. Therefore, I wouldn’t expect other women to react the same way.

I am excited, however, to have told one of my very best friends about my new found path, and for her curiosity, acceptance and support. I’m grateful of having someone else to talk to about this, outside of my boyfriend. I think from now on, though, I am not going to tell anyone else about the specific practices of the White Tigress, that I will talk about the broader aims and the path of the White Tigress but not what she does to get there. I feel like it’s too difficult to explain and I feel disheartened when the practices are misunderstood. Also, I like the feeling of it being my little secret, and feel like keeping the practices secret is respecting the secrecy with which these practices have been passed down throughout history.

I did call my boyfriend that night to tell him about my conversation with my friend, and it was nice to talk to someone with a developed understanding of Taoist philosophy and to felt like he understood me so well. We discussed how no other man could now relate to me as he does, now that I’ve undertaken this esoteric path, who else would understand me? Since him presenting me with this book, I feel even more and more the destined nature of our relationship and that in my adult life, he is the man I am meant to be with. I can’t even describe in words how much love I feel for him. It is almost overwhelming and brings me to the brink of tears.

At the end of our conversation, he told me that he has been reading the Jade Dragon book and that he was liking and appreciating it, which I was very, very happy with. I am very much looking forward to trying out the practices of the Jade Dragon with him, and hope that it will bring him some rejuvenation too.

My breast massages are getting better

I have been practising the White Tigress breast massages every day for a few days now, and every day they become more pleasurable, even becoming aroused. I’m really looking forward to the affect that they may have on my body and my spirit, and can’t wait to have intercourse with my boyfriend again to see if he thinks my vagina is tighter.

Breast massages

Today I tried to teach myself the exercises of the White Tigress. The breast massages were relatively easier to understand although I hope I’m not missing something and doing them wrong. My breasts started to feel a bit over massaged, so I eased off on the pressure, although my boyfriend later told me that it could be just stagnation and that it’ll subside.

The Willow Waist exercises, however, were impossible! I was totally lost after step six and was just completely unable to teach myself. Quite distraught I called my boyfriend and he reminded me of the DVDs available online. Luckily, one of them teaches you the Willow Waist exercises and he said he would order them for me, which I am very excited about and greatly for. I can’t wait to start them and start my full training schedule!

I need to do the exercises for one hundred days. The breast exercises alone take 40 mins, so it will take up a fair bit of my time. I hope I can keep it up. I feel very motivated though.

Red Rash

Today I had a slightly strange reaction. First, my boyfriend told me that he was not going to ejaculate for a month because he felt like in the past year of our relationship he has already ejaculated hundreds of times and that it was aging him rapidly. I understand and think this is a good idea too, but I was also outraged as I’ve just started practising and I need his semen! But I think this will be good for him, physically and spiritually, and will give me some time to prepare my body with the White Tigress exercises before continuing.

The strange reaction came when we were having intercourse and my boyfriend decided to pull out and ejaculate on my face to give me his semen one last time, because I had been so distraught at his announcement that he would not be ejaculating for a month. It felt nice and warm and afterwards I did the nine inhalations. Then I mediated with his semen on my face and I felt blissful and happy. The same feeling that I get after going deep into my meditation I was able to achieve almost instantaneously. It was really amazing, sitting in an instantaneously blissful state, picturing myself absorbing his qi in his semen through the skin on my face. When I looked in the mirror afterwards, I felt my skin looked so youthful and good again, like it did the first time.

Then I walked around for a bit and when I went back to wipe his semen off, and my skin had broken out into a rash, little red dots all on my checks and chin. It freaked the hell out me of and I had no idea what was going on. I was quite confused and distraught, which made my boyfriend distraught, as I didn’t understand what was going on. After I wiped the semen off my face and settled down for a bit, I had a bit of a think and I think it may have been two things. First, I may have left the semen on my face for too long, as it is only meant to be there for three or four minutes. Second, and more likely, I think I skipped ahead in the practice too quickly. Absorbing the Dragon’s Breath is an intense practice and something that the White Tigress needs to work up to. I think I was too eager, trying everything at once, when I should have been slower and learnt each stage step by step. I think I will concentrate on Congealing the Dragon’s Jade first, experiencing and appreciating that before attempting to Absorb the Dragon’s Breath again. Too bad my boyfriend isn’t going to ejaculate again for another month though!